Gratitude first came hard to me. What had I to be grateful for? Both my husband and I had been drug addicts for 17 years. Then without warning my husband died a painful drug-related death. Short after his passing I lost my beautiful young dog. I was alone (except for another dog) and I suffered a variety of chronic health conditions. I wasn’t happy. I was angry. I wanted to die, yet fearful of the thoughts I was having, I sought help through attending weekly therapy sessions.
The first thing that dawned on me early in therapy was that I had come out of addiction relatively unscathed, my physical and mental health does not appear to have suffered any obvious damage. Considering my lifestyle in the past, I consider this a miracle for which I give thanks daily.
Soon I began to look differently at the two losses that came in quick succession in my life. If my beautiful husband had lived, we would probably still be using drugs today. Over time, I began to see that my husband did not die for nothing. I was able to turn my anger and fear around to strengthen my resolve to maintain the recovery-oriented life I so desperately wanted to live. How I did that was through understanding more about how my brains works and the patterns of my behaviour. I learned how I had been sabotaging myself for most of my life. Practising positive interventions and choosing to sustain a positive outlook is more than just saying words, it’s about being intentional at a very deep level in our thoughts and taking action. Most days I succeeded, at least for part of the day. I chose to believe that my much-loved husband had died so that I could live. I began to think that I owed it to my beloved husband and dog to get well, this became my motivation; my reason to get up every morning. The realisation how precious life truly is, and that I had wasted so very much of mine, drove me further into recovery day-by-day. Going through the stages of loss and grief was, and is still hard at time, and I deal with this by chanting: “I am alive and getting healthier every day. My words are now far more than just words, they are anchors that ground me and trigger positive responses from my brain.
The second thing I am coming to terms with, and am trying to accept, is that my beautiful dog died so young. I favoured him over his mother. To ease my pain, I also began to see how his premature death allowed the bond to grow between his mother and myself. We comfort each other daily; she dotes on my and I on her.
What I’m learning in therapy
Even though I have now been ‘clean’ for more than 18 months I still attend therapy weekly. I find positive psychology fascinating with interventions that are so appropriate to my life right now. In therapy, I am learning to be grateful for my loved ones’ lives, and that they could live on in my heart as memories. This enables me to learn how to be thankful for every day where I could embrace new things, appreciate the beauty of nature, and the love of my family, friends, and my beautiful dog. I learned to be thankful that the treatment in getting me well was free and that the providers genuinely cared.
There still is so much I take for granted though. I am practicing the art of being grateful for my home, money from Centrelink, support groups, the freedom to go just about anywhere I like – by bus – and to be who I am. I am learning to be grateful for the talents and skills I possess such as singing, art, creative writing, and psychic abilities. I have the internet where, on a social platform, I can reach others and inspire, motivate, and share what I have learned in my life and in therapy. In return, I receive all those things back from them.
A vital lesson I have taken on board
I do not compare myself to others because that can cause self-pity or pity for others: instead, I am grateful to just be in the moment. Gratitude has saved my life by allowing me to view the world from a different perspective: that of hope and of happiness. Gratitude heals, I have proven that.
The interventions I use
- Therapy is a most powerful intervention for me as I am still learning how to be grateful.
- Then during a grief and loss support group online, a group of women suffering from a variety of addictions were taught about the gratitude jar. I embraced this idea and now write up to 3 things I am grateful for every day on separate pieces of paper and place them in my jar.
- I make a point of thanking every person for helping me during the day, no matter how small their help was. I do this either face-to-face or by phone or email.
- I keep a journal where I practice being positive and list some things to think about. Every day whilst walking my beautiful dog I say to myself, “What a glorious day and it is great to be alive to be here in this moment.” Every night I think of the loved ones I have lost and say goodnight to them. I then give thanks for getting through the day.
- I focus on breathing deeply as I go about my day. My intention is to break the habit of shallow breathing. I also practise deep breathing during meditation. I do this a few times a day for a short time of around 2 or 3 minutes, sometimes longer if I choose to.
- I also like to practice my passions; the things I love to do. I am currently focussing on learning to love myself and to accept myself. I also love giving. I donate clothing and other items to charities as well as small monthly financial contributions to thank them for all the help they have given me over many years.
- As my therapist connects with me between sessions, I am able to email her when I am struggling. She brings me back to my interventions that work. It is the reassurance that I seek that helps me engage again in life.
My first thoughts on gratitude
I wasn’t grateful. I was the exact opposite. I found nothing to be grateful for, rather, I’d whinge and grumble and blame everything and everyone including myself for my miserable existence. I didn’t realise that gratitude turns one’s life around and makes one happier and even have better health. One of my 5 Signature Character Strengths is Love of Learning, so it is imperative to me that I research the topics that come up in conversation during a therapy session. Like Paulette, I believe in backing up everything with science. One subject we discussed in therapy recently related to whether I have a growth or a fixed mindset.
Do I have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset?
I would like to believe I have a growth mindset and in some areas that is indeed the truth. But: in other areas, for example, spirituality and some ethical/moral issues my mindset is closed and fixed. If you want to study growth mindsets vs fixed mindsets go to: https://www.mindsethealth.com/matter/growth-vs-fixed-mindset (Just cut and paste into your browser.)
My own research found that ‘gratitude is recognised as one of the foundational virtues in the creation of happiness’. People around the world are suffering and if I can reach a handful of people with my story, I will be grateful. You can find more interventions and health benefits relating to being a grateful person at https://www.lifeskillssouthflorida.com/mental-health-blog/the-importance-of-showing-gratitude-in-addiction-recovery/(Again, cut and paste into your browser.)
Because we are human, we may be open to new ideas, but sometimes resist those ideas if they contradict with our fixed mindsets. I, for one, am still a work in progress, what about you?
I am very grateful to my therapist who not only taught me that gratitude is a character trait that I can learn, but has encouraged me, supported me, cared for me, helped me and is helping me heal so that most days I feel just a little stronger than the day before.
I wish you every success in your journey towards being more grateful than you may have been before!
I would love it if you sent me a reply below to tell me what interventions you may have tried and if they are working for you.
– Contributor: Jem Stone, Australia
